Top 5 Ron Artest Stories (Excluding "The Brawl")

The summer of 2009 has been met with many unexpected transgressions, one of which is certain to get much coverage with the She League. Ron Artest is now a Laker. The defending champs have signed Mr. Detroit Malice at the Palace. I don't know what to expect, but what I've learned in the past two weeks, is to simply expect the unexpected. To commemorate this signing, it's only fitting that we review 5 of Ron-Ron's finest moments.

5. Ron walks into Kobe Bryant's shower after Game 6 loss of 2008 Finals.--We all knew he was crazy, but damn. According to coach Phil Jackson, Kobe was showering, by himself when in walks Ron Artest telling him he wants to be a Laker.

4. Ron requests time off during the season to promote his rap album.--Why would he need time off? With skills like his, one would think, the art would sell itself.

3. Ron misses team bus and rides with owner in his underwear.

2. Ron records a tribute song to the late great Michael Jackson.--Notable lyrics include, "I know you're in heaven, I hope to see you next year".

1. Ron applies for a job at Circuit City so that he can get an employee discount.

Get ready Laker fans, I feel like this list will keep growing.

**BREAKING NEWS** QUEEN JAMES INDUCTED INTO SHE LEAGUE

In the spirit of Michael Vick and NFL commissioner Roger Goddell, we are pleased to announce that LeBum "Queen" James has been conditionally instated into the She League. This announcement is met with both joy and sorrow. The joy rests in the fact that she is now in a place where she belongs. A place where she can call home. A place, fit for a Queen. The sorrow comes from the fact that, quite frankly, it shouldn't have taken this long. Queen James has been exhibiting She League behavior for the past two years. Maybe it was the slam dunks, maybe it was the funny "Over and Under" commercial. Maybe we were blinded by the baby powder she throws up before every game. Bottom line, we completely missed this one. Until now, that is. This summer we all Witnessed the biggest cover up since 9/11. Here's the story, I was watching the 2009 playoffs and in Game 1 of the Cavs-Magic series, I know for a fact I saw Courtney Lee dunk on you pretty bad. I know it happened. I saw it. Mysteriously, however, TNT did not show the replay. I was fine with that, because I was sure I'd see it when I watched SportsCenter that night, I'd see it there. But, they didn't show it either. A bit odd, but life goes on. Fast forward to Game 3, Courtney Lee dunks on you again. Once again, no replay, no SportCenter highlight. The whole, time I'm thinking, damn, shows what the NBA thinks of Courtney Lee. Poor kid can't even get a highlight. How naive of me to underestimate the power of the Queen. Then comes the summer camp scandal. All of a sudden it started adding up. The Queen has been secretly controlling the media. You see prior to this June, LeBum could do no wrong. You couldn't even think to speak ill of him. In last years playoffs, Brendan Haywood went on record calling you a crybaby. Was it a coincidence that he missed the entire 2008-2009 season? I don't know. All I know is she's been puppeting us around like those stupid Nike commercials, but I'm here to tell you, LeBum, the gig is up. We're on to you. But don't worry, you'll be fine here in the She League. We won't make you shake hands or do interviews. Your conditional induction into the She League is contingent on you not calling Nike and having our website shut down. Needless to say, your margin for error is extremely limited. I urge you to take full advantage of the resources available to support you and to dedicate yourself to rebuilding your life and your career. If you do this, the She League will support you.

Over and Under

K-Mart goes hard...

Big Baby Grows Up

Congratulations to Big Crying Ass Big Ass Baby Davis, who has done something I never thought he would. She has officially become a He. He read our blog and disagreed with his induction into The She League. In response, he's shown us and the world that he's more than just an overweight cry baby. Granted his production has come with Kevin Garnett shelved for the remainder of the season, but I'm not gonna lie, I didn't think his fat ass could do it. Like seriously, he cried on the bench DURING THE GAME. Two months later, he's averaging 16.4 ppg in the playoffs and hitting game winning buzzer beaters? I never saw this coming. But when I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong, and sad to say, I was wrong about Big Baby.
I thought it was really gay seeing your big ass cry on the sideline, but your performance over the past couple months has vindicated you and your bitchassness. So Big Baby, if you're still reading, I'd like to say, I'm sorry.

Throwback of the Day

Why we Love (to hate) Ron Artest

Last night's game between the Houston Rockets and the Los Angeles Lakers was playoff basketball at its finest. Here's the reason why we love Ron Artest. He has transformed this team from the Rocketts (under the She-Mac regime) to the Rockets, ready to take off on anyone in their way. As crazy as the guy is, he is a warrior. He has stopped Luis Scola flopping, he convinced Yao to give up the She-Mac way as he refused to go to the locker room after his game 1 collision with Kobe Bryant. Hate him or love him, Ron Artest and these Rockets are for real. Last night in the 4th quarter, after taking a sharp elbow from Kobe, Ron complained to the referees. Apparently he didn't like the answer they gave, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. He personally ran over to Kobe and gave him a piece of his mind. While this resulted in an ejection, it set a precedent for what is to come in this series. The Rockets aren't scared of the Lakers, and in my mind, this scares the Lakers. It may not scare Kobe, but the Lakers are scared. Notice how many Lakers came to Kobe's defense when Ron charged him. I saw one, Pau Gasoft, our softest player.

Athlete of the Month--April 2009

Last night I could not sleep. I tossed and turned, wondering who would be elected as the She League Athelete of the month. I was a bit distraught because for the most part, other than a few stories from Andrew Bynum this had been a pretty quiet month on the She League front. Then comes this. On the final day of the month, on the eve of your return, Alex Rodriguez does it again. I thought I had heard it all, from A-Roid (see February 2009), to Gay-Rod (see March 2009). If my spelling is correct, this story reports that his teammates in New York referred to him as Bitch Tits? As bad as I feel for the guy, that's pretty funny.

A Friendly Note from Sharon Davis

Dear Fans,
Having recently had some time to reflect I wanted drop you all a quick note.
There’s an age old Chinese proverb which says:
“Words are just words and without heart they have no meaning.”
Today, I’d like to use this space to speak to you from my heart.
First off, I want to say how much our entire organization appreciates the way our fans stuck with us through what was a very difficult season. We can spend time referring to all the injuries, but as far as you’re all concerned, there can be no easy excuse for the tough year we had. I want you to know that we truly appreciate all of your support and thank you for hangin with us.
Secondly, I want to make sure you know that EVERYONE at the Clippers is committed to doing whatever is necessary to make sure that you don’t have to deal with another year like the one that just ended. I’m dedicating myself to that goal, and I know my teammates will do the same.
There are probably those who will read this and toss it off as just words, but I can only write these words with hope that the feeling and sentiment is conveyed.
Whether you believe us or not, please know that we’re all going to work hard to improve everyday and be a far better team than we showed this past season.
Stick with us, and trust it’ll be worth it.

Sincerely,
Sharon Davis

What Happened to the NBA Drug Policy???

Apparently, the NBA has decided to eliminate its drug policy. Clearly, Ron-Ron has been hanging out with Michael Phelps. According to Ron, Brandon Roy is the best player that he's played against other than some dude from Queens when he was 15. For sake of argument, let's have a look at 5 players that Ron Artest has played this season who might not be better than Roy but are surely better than that dude from Queens.

• Kevin Durant--In three games vs. Ron Artest this season, he's managed to average a measly 27.3 ppg 6.0 rpg, and 3.7 apg.
• LeBum James--In two games he posted averages of 24 ppg 5.0 rpg, and 2.5 apg. These numbers won't blow you out of the water but I'm pretty sure the guy from Queens couldn't do it.
• Ronnie Brewer (The dude for Utah with the big ass ears, yeah him)--While Ron probably does not have a clue who this guy is, he averaged 20.5 ppg 5.0 rpg, and 3.0 apg in four games against Ron.
• Kobe (so good we don't need his last name)--I know you probably don't want us to go here Ron, but come on dude, we all watched him destroy you to the point where your teammates begged you to stop talking to him. Here are his averages for your reference, 28.3 ppg 4.0 rpg, and 5.0 apg.
• Dwayne Wade--26 ppg 3.5 rpg, and 6.5 apg in two games.

Now Ron, I'm not going to make the statement that these guys are better than Brandon Roy, because as we've seen a few times this season, he's pretty damn good. I just have two questions, what the hell have you been smoking, and where the hell is this guy from Queens? Hugs not drugs Ron.

Foul Him!!!!

It would be really hard to convince me that a closed fist to someones mouth is considered making a play on the ball. A very smart move by Rondo, however because we've all seen how tough Brad Miller can be.

Drew vs. Oden--Epic Playoff Debuts

As the NBA Playoffs roll on, it's time we take a look at what we once thought was the future of the NBA. Greg Oden and Andrew Bynum. The two much ballyhooed centers have been compared to the next Bill Russell and Kareem. Granted the Greg Oden-Bill Russell comparisons were based more off of looks, bottom line, the comparisons have been made. I'm not going to lie, we here at the She-League have been quite impressed by the gaudy stats these two have been putting up in their respective playoff debuts.

A quick look at the stats:

Greg Oden Portland Trailblazers 5 Games--5.4 ppg 4.0 rpg 4.6 fpg 16 mpg

Andrew Bynum Los Angeles Lakers 5 Games--5.0 ppg 3.0 rpg 3.2 fpg 15.4 mpg

In the words of Ron Burgundy, "I'm not even mad, this is amazing."

We'll start with you Greg. You were the top pick in the 2007 draft. You are a 42 year old rookie, and all you can give me is 5 points? You average more fouls than rebounds...is that even possible? Wow. I wish I had some advice to lend you. Actually I do, take you weak ass back to the injured reserve because you stink.

Now on to you, Drew. We warned you a couple weeks ago that we'd be watching you. To the surprise of many, you returned for the last 5 games of the regular season, averaging 17ppg. Very good Drew. On to the playoffs, you decided to lay an egg on the Utah Jazz with your whopping 5ppg and 3rpg. You were so bad, you went from starting center to garbage minutes in 2 games. I would feel bad for you but you obviously don't care too much yourself. You're too busy eating fillet mignon with Rihanna...

2009 NBA Playoff Preview--Western Conference

#1. Los Angeles Lakers (65-17) vs. #8 Utah Jazz (48-34)

Coming off of a stellar season, the Lakers have one thing on their mind, an NBA title. In their way stands a soft as toilet paper team in the Utah Jazz. The Jazz have been banged up for most of the season. Interestingly, the team seemed to get worse as the roster came to full strength. While it is interesting, it is not surprising seeing that their key components are three future she-leaguers in Carlos Boozer, Mehmet Okur and Andrei Kirilenko (the guy who cried during the 2007 playoffs because his coach pulled him. You're not alone Big Baby Davis). Meanwhile, the Lakers have been rounding into shape as the season came to a close. Andrew Bynum got word of the She League and returned to play the final four games averaging a quiet 17.3ppg 5.5rpg and 4.3 fouls per game in 26mpg. Apparently carrying playboy bunnies is a quality rehab activity after all. Phil Jackson has finally come to his senses and realized that Jordan Farmar is a bum, deciding to supplant a She-League favorite in Shannon Brown who will provide quality defensive minutes against Deron Williams. While Jerry Sloan will not allow his team to be run over, the Lakers' length and depth will ultimately send the Jazz home early. She League Prediction: Lakers win series 4-1.

#4. Portland Trailblazers (54-28) vs. #5 Houston Rockets (53-29)

In their first season of relevance, the youthful Portland Trailblazers have surprised many teams. The roster is solid from top to bottom, however their success starts and ends with their star, Brandon Roy. For the season, Roy has averaged 22.6ppg 5.1apg and 4.7rpg. He has elevated his team to new heights with his heart and toughness. He is joined by a 6'11 jumpshooter in LaMarcus Aldridge. Aldridge's game is built for the regular season and will prove to be useless in the playoffs (just ask Jermain O'neal). On the other side, the Houston Rockets season was thought to be derailed after She-Mac went down with a season ending knee injury. However, as they quickly found out, they are a much better team without the 6'8 She-Leaguer best known for shooting 30-foot fade-aways. The team has metamorphosed itself into a gritty team led by the enigmatic Ron Artest. Ron-Ron has changed the defensive culture of this team by consistently guarding the oppositions best player. His only problem is he clearly doesn't speak Chinese and thus doesn't hear and/or understand Yao Ming when he calls for the ball in the low post. Had Houston not handed the starting point guard position to Aaron Brooks, they'd be poised to make a more serious playoff run. These two teams are pretty evenly matched with the edge going to Portland at the point guard position. She-Mac or no She-Mac, the Rockets still can't get out of the first round. She-League Prediction: Blazers win series 4-3.

Dear Drew,

Funny what 2 months of strenuous rehabilitation can do. On January 31st Mr. Bynum, you were lying in agony at the FedEx Forum as the Lakers' championship hopes were thought to be destroyed. Kobe felt bad, Phil was greatly disappointed. The Lakers' title chances rested securely on your shoulders. How ironic, that 2 months to the day, a picture surfaces of you at the Playboy Mansion in which you seem completely oblivious to all of this as a playboy bunny rests on your shoulders. Obviously you haven't been watching your compadres on their 7 game road trip Drew, but they kind of need you. We here at the She League don't believe in the injured reserve. Especially when your knee is strong enough to take your goofy ass to the Playboy Mansion. Consider this an invitation to join the She League. You can decline this invitation by simply putting on your #17 jersey and helping lead the Lakers to another title. If we don't see or hear from you before the end of the regular season Drew, we'll have to make room for you here in the She League.

Yours truly,

TSL

Lance You're on our Radar

Livestrong. You sold millions of those bracelets. You created a culture of living strong. You are the complete antithesis of the She League. And then you pop up and tell us you're going to miss 2 months after falling off of your bike. Lance, I'll have you know, I fell off my bike 17 times in one day and didn't shed a tear. You get amnesty because you came back from cancer, but consider yourself warned. Get well soon, The She League is watching.

The She League Welcomes Smush Parker

Smush Parker said what? Let me get this straight Smush, your problems were with Kobe Bryant and playing with the Lakers was overrated? Is that right? Lets put our feet in the heels of Mrs. Smush for a second. You went from nobody, to sitting on the Lakers' bench to doing interviews on a New York park bench. If you had a hard time playing with Kobe, believe me miss, he had an even harder time playing with you. If playing with the best player on earth and being overpaid at $500,000 a year is overrated, how would you rate sitting and a park bench and collecting unemployment checks? People think playing with Kobe is the best thing since sliced bread? Do me a favor and tell me how much sliced bread you can afford with your unemployment checks. You probably don't have too much time to workout now days. I've heard the lines at the unemployment office are pretty long. By the way, weren't you the guy that got in a fight with a female parking attendant? Get in here Smush, you've officially worked your way into the She League. And to anyone else throwing shots at the King, don't be the next member of the She League team.

She League Athlete of the Month--March 2009

A-Rod, A-Rod, A-Rod...I dont care what else happens in the month of March, this isn't cool. Who's coaching this guy??

She League Athlete of the Month--February 2009

Alex, Alex, Alex. Why'd you do it Rod? Truthfully, we aren't mad that you stuc a couple needles in your ass. I'm just a little confused that after 10 years and $250 million, you couldn't come up with a better PR scheme. You know what they say, when the going gets tough, and the tough gets going, make up a hip injury.

She League "You Blew It" Athlete of the Month--January 2009

Damn homie, last summer you were the man homie. You see what seven gold medals can get you?? A nice ass watch, the finest weed, and money hungry friends with a quick trigger on their camera phone. Sorry Mr. Phelps but you blew it. If its any consolation, my weed man created the Grand Olympian Kush in your honor.

First Team All-NBA She-League

Created and inspired by the She-Leaguers, for the She-leaguers. Because these ladies need some recognition. Before we get to the rankings, lets define what qualifies one for an All She-League nomination. There are basically two main criteria. 1.) You must do or say something that a non-she leaguer would never do. (i.e. Big ass Baby Davis crying on the sideline...see below) 2.) You must be a relevant professional athlete. (i.e. Daniel Hackett from USC who will definitely be a member of the She-League and is a qualified candidate does not qualify because he is busy crying for USC and is not and hopefully will not be a professional anytime soon). So without further ado, here it is, YOUR 2009 First Team All-NBA She-League Team.

• PG: Sharon Davis--Los Angeles Clippers 2009 Statistics: 15.5 ppg 8.0apg 1.7spg. All She-League quote/Action: Has played in 55 out of 71 games after signing a 5-year $65 million dollar contract to save his hometown team. He solidified his spot on the 2009 All-She League team with this quote, "It's like, there's so much going on inside. I'm playing in my own head. When you are playing inside your own head, you can't play the way you want. Part of it is emotional. Part is the injuries. I see things that I can exploit out there, but I see them in my head and I am not able to do them. I am not me out there."
• SG: She-Mac--Houston Rockets 2009 Statistics: 15.6 ppg 5.0apg 4.4rpg. All She-League quote/Action: Has played in 35 out of 72 this season. Ruffled the feathers of his employer when he shut himself down for the season one day before the trade deadline once management realized he was overpaid and a member of the She-League. At least he was woman enough to not go to a team doctor and inform the Rockets of his season ending injury via his website instead of in person. "Hey everyone,
  As some of you may have heard, my season has come to an end. My knee hasn’t been right all year, and we can’t seem to get the pain to go away. We’ve tried just playing through it, taking back-to-backs off, and extended periods of rest, but none of it has really been effective in limiting the discomfort and allowing me to just go out there and play. I’ve met with numerous doctors and gotten a number of opinions, and unfortunately I will be undergoing microfracture surgery on my left knee immediately."
• SF: Princess Carter--New Jersey Nets 2009 Statistics: 21.2 ppg 4.7apg 5.1rpg. All She-League quote/Action: Besides his perpetual She-leagueness, he really hasn't done too much besides failing to have one SportsCenter highlight this season. Basically the She-league was created for he and his wack cousin She-Mac, so they will be First team All-She League members until they retire. At which time, they will be first ballot She-League Hall of Fame members
• PF: Big Sorry Ass Glenn Big Ass Baby Ass Davis--Boston Celtics 2009 Statistics: 5.8 ppg 0.2rpg 3.6rpg. All She-League quote/Action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GXgFC8q32Q -- Enough Said
• C: Chris "RuPaul" Bosh--Toronto Raptors 2009 Statistics: 22.7ppg 9.5rpg 0.9bpg. All She-League quote/Action: "He was just camping down in the lane,” Bosh said Friday night, after O’Neal’s biggest scoring night in six years led Phoenix to a 133-113 victory over the Raptors. “I mean, if they’re not calling three seconds—I thought it was a rule, but I guess not." To which Shaq properly responded, "I heard what Chris Bosh said, and that's strong words coming from the RuPaul of big men," O'Neal said. "I'm going to do the same thing (in their next meeting) I did before - make him quit. Make 'em quit and complain. It's what I do." Any man who lets another man refer to him as RuPaul definitely belongs in the She-League.